On Wednesday 14th August I was booked for my 12 week scan. For weeks I have ‘known’ all wasn’t well despite having no basis for my fears whatsoever. I tried to talk to people, warned my oh to be prepared for something bad but (unsurprisingly) nobody took me seriously.
My sonographer turned out to be a girl I was friendly with in both primary and secondary school and I told her I was so worried straight away and she told me not to worry she would tell me as soon as she found the babies’ heartbeats. She found the first one straight away but unfortunately there was no sign of the other- no heartbeat, no baby it’s heart had stopped and it had gone. No matter how ‘prepared’ I was for bad news I didn’t expect the pain that ripped through my heart. The sonographer showed me the wriggly and healthy baby and told me I must concentrate on the baby I do have and I nodded and even laughed as it squirmed away trying to avoid being photographed.
But I’m devastated. I feel both my babies have been taken and replaced with a baby I don’t know. I’ve been so touched by the kindness of some people (some I’ve never met on Twitter) and utterly hurt by others- from being totally ignored to the suggestion I didn’t want twins anyway as it’s too hard work. I understand people don’t really know what to say and whilst I realise I’m lucky I still have one baby people acting like I had a spare is just unthinking and stupid. If someone had seen their single baby’s heartbeat and then it died you wouldn’t say ‘it’s ok you can just have another’. Even the midwife I saw just after brushed over it to make sure I understood it was gone (as I cried) then moved on to being rhesus negative. Yes I get it I still have a baby but I had two. I still lost one. I need to grieve. It’s the hardest thing to try and be happy whilst your heart is breaking and my heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child. I’m now terrified something will happen to this baby but as I’ve learnt -’knowing’ and worrying about something doesn’t change the outcome and it doesn’t prepare you for the worst, the pain is still there no matter how prepared you think you are.
But to end on a more positive note… Here is my scan picture
Fingers crossed for the next six months